The first step.

Hi everyone,

I'm Terasita, and I am an addict. I can't go a day without my fixes. Sometimes, I binge on them for days at a time, and then wake up feeling strung out and haggard. But I want to stop.

What are my vices?

White sugar and caffeine.

I'm sure you're thinking "Oh, that's nothing." But if you thought that, watch out, because you don't know how evil these things really are.

What's Wrong with Sugar?

I dunno, what's wrong with cocaine? Oh right, it messes up your body and your life. Well, sugar is no different. White sugar is highly processed, and like most processed, chemically engineered products, it's completely imbalanced. So unlike a natural, balanced food which will energize your body, sugar attacks it.

Plus...it's HIGHLY addictive.

Exactly what does it do? Leeches vitamins and minerals from your bones, suppresses your immune system, sends your internal chemistry on a roller coaster ride, AND it can make you gain weight (because there's nothing else your body can do with it!), and is associated with cancer and diabetes.

Gross...actually, I'll take the cocaine. Caffeine does many of the same things, except it can also reduce your ability to feel safe and peaceful, mess with your fertility, and cause breast cysts. WHY would I ever want these things in my body.

Confession

I'm not perfect. And I try to be real on here, for as much as I update. I love being vegan, but there are times when I am lazy and I just don't feel like making myself a healthy, balanced meal. Yes, OK, one time I went for a 11 mile run and instead of cooking for myself afterwords, I let myself starve until I binged on a Big Mac (I also woke up the next day with the WORST hangover ever. And I don't even GET hangovers when I drink alcohol. Just shows you how nasty McD's is.).

But it's sort of stupid for me to go through all this effort to remove meat and dairy from my diet if I'm just going to leave stuff like sugar in. Like I said, it'd be like me harping on eating healthy and then doing loads of cocaine.

It's going to be hard to get off my drugs. But I am worth it. I am worth taking the extra time to use sweeteners like brown rice sweetener or real maple syrup. I am worth choosing an apple over gummi worms.

I am worth a healthy diet.

And I am also worth a bubble bath, which I will now be taking.

Update? What?

I am a horrible blogger. But you never know, I could get better.

However, I thought I'd give you an update on my progress! The half-marathon is set for October 17th. We had to reschedule because my aunt forgot, plus a family gathering is now scheduled for the original weekend, so it will be my mother and I running on the 17th! That being said, it will be a long, long race if SOMEONE (aka me) doesn't get off their lazy butt and work out more!!

Oh goodness, but I am down....18 pounds!! Yes, 18 pounds! Which puts me down about 1-2 sizes to a solid size 8.

I've been doing well on my diet. As my runs have been increasing in distance, I've found it increasingly difficult to consume enough without dairy, so I have occasionally had to add that back in. However, I've also been learning to cook wholly from scratch, which has been...interesting. Sometimes delicious...sometimes not. But more and more delicious as time goes on!

I'm preparing to enter into my senior year of college, and I couldn't be more excited and frightened. In a way, I'm very ready to be out on my own. I look forward to my OWN house, my OWN career, my OWN life. However, it's also frightening, knowing that I'm going to be making career decisions that could affect me forever. Plus, I haven't quite ruled out graduate school and possibly graduate school in China. The high chance that I will be returning to the PRC in a year is both exciting and frightening.

What else? I want to learn to dance!!! On the one hand, I've always wanted to learn how to swing and jive. But on the other hand, there's a wonderful Chinese dance academy in the area which would also give me a language community to practice in. Which will I choose? Will I be good? (spoiler alert: I'm a horrible dancer. I just love it)

Until next time!

PS The cats are absolutely lovely. Thanks for asking!

Suffering

A wise man once said, "It is truly remarkable that in a world of so many, such a vast and unfulfillable hole can be left with the death of just one."


My friend's wonderful, healthy, 50 year old father just passed away suddenly. It's a tragedy too vast for words, so I wont try to say much more.

But please, if you're reading this, take this time to show the ones in your life that you love them. Sometimes, life just passes for no reason, and you never know when it'll be your last chance to say those words.

No matter what happens tomorrow, you have the gift of today. Never take for granted even one minute with those you love in your life.

Fairytale Kitten

You know the beginning to Disney's Beauty and the Beast? An old woman comes to the castle to beg for shelter, but the Prince, appalled by her horrible appearance, sends her away. She then reveals herself to be a beautiful enchantress in disguise.

Well, Lizard is that Prince (he's Chinese, so the accepted term is "Little Emperor"). I fell in love with Susu (real name Copernicus) the moment I saw him, but to Lizard, he was too dark.

At the shelter, he was called "crazy water bowl kitty". He was so upset after all his litter-mates got adopted, and he was lonely. Plus, this kitty does NOT like to be in a cage. He would climb his cage, tip over the water bowl, desperately trying to get out.

At first, we thought Susu was a black cat. And Lizard hates black cats because he thinks they're ugly. But I fell in love with Susu. Plus, no one else was going to adopt him because everyone thought he was crazy.

I got my Susu. And there were fights about it. But, like all the other times, it turns out I was right about the cat.

The shelter labeled him as a domestic medium hair. However, as Susu has grown, what once appeared to be petite-ness due to his unfortunate circumstances has revealed itself to be a mislabeling of breed. Susu is definitely of Siamese origin, and most likely an Oriental Longhair. He has that graceful, elegant, Siamese look, but his coat is not your average Siamese.

We though Susu was black, but he's actually a smoke colored cat, meaning his fur is black at the tips, and white at the base. As he's grown, he's lightened, and is turning more of a chocolate brown. But the best part is that he's also got stripes and spots, and as he lightens you can see them more and more.

He's a smart cat, and he already plays fetch better than my dog (which, despite the fact that she is a retriever, is not saying anything). It also means that he figures out a way to get into everything! However, a couple squirts stop him pretty nicely.

It just goes to show, just because a kitten is pretty when he's born, doesn't mean he'll be pretty when he grows up! I guess it pays to look inward, and take a chance on something...even if that something is a crazy water-bowl kitty.

I'm happy to be able to care for this little kitty. He is truly a remarkable little being.

Sunshine and smiles!

It's a heat wave around here! Well, as much of a heat wave as us Washingtonians get. Which, for someone used to being in LA, is not that hot at all...except that no one has AC, which means there's no where to hide from the heat.

It also means that I can break out my California clothes. I've hidden from them because of how I felt about my body, but I'm working on accepting myself at any weight. Also, the running has been doing wonders for my body, so I'm looking and feeling stronger.

Today I broke out one of my favorite dresses. I kept it in my bag until after my run, and when I put it on, I couldn't believe how short it was! OK, not California short, but since my return here, I've worn all my skirts to the knee. Wearing a shorter one with heels made me realize how much I love my legs!

In fact, I realized I love wearing short skirts! I don't know why, but it makes me feel powerful, free and awesome! I think I've just been hiding myself under my clothes. Actually WEARING clothes that make me look good makes me feel better about myself! Respecting myself more makes me want to take better care of myself, and helps me keep my eating under control.

Plus I just look good!

Why have one goal when you can have a million?

So lately I've picked up a goal or two here and there.

I'm officially signed up and in training to run a half-marathon on October 10th with my mom and aunt. Which means that I have about 14 weeks to go from my current weight of 187 and drop to my race weight of 160. A tall order, but I'm the kind of person who responds well to a well-defined goal. Any way you slice it though, it's not going to be easy.

I'm now a double major. Have I ever told you that my program (Chinese) is one of the hardest at my already hard college? Well, it is easily one of the most demanding majors out there. Plus I'm in honors 4th year. But I've been missing my one true love, Epistemology. Before the transfer, I was one class and a seminar away from the double major. Here, I'm about 4 away, due to a residency requirement. And I'm going for it. Lord have mercy on my senior year.

I'm looking to land an internship. Because I clearly don't have enough to do this year. Hahaha. I suppose I'm hoping that between training, studying, and working I wouldn't have time to sit on my butt eating, thus achieving my goal weight. Not really, I just love being busy.

KITTY UPDATE!
They are amazing! It's been a long ride. The first day we got the cats, we had a massive fight. The biggest we've ever had. I'm still reeling from it. To be honest, I would have just walked away right then and there except for the cats. At first, it was like having kids with someone you aren't with. Taking turns caring for the cats, avoiding contact. Leaving notes with updates.

But we've come to realize what the other one needs. He was upset because he thought all of the kitty care would fall to him. Since I pitch in and do most of it, he's completely cool with having them. Actually, he really likes it. I also help out with cleaning around the house, which I don't mind, since I'm here with the cats anyways, and it takes me very little time. In return, I get cats, who calm me down when I'm stressed; and a quiet place to study.

I also realize I really like being around him. Even when I'm cranky. I don't like NOT being here...it feels lonely at home. We've become much better at communicating and much better at appreciating each other.

Anyways, I'm in a good place. Hoping you all are too!!

Detox Diaries, Days 3&4: Falling off and Getting Back On

Blargh, I don't remember exactly what I ate on Day 3, but I do know I ate meat. My friend was visiting from out of town...he wanted Chinese...it's family style...blah blah blah. I don't know how much I ate, but it was definitely more than I should, so the next morning, the first thing I did was buy a food journal. I use it to document what I eat and plan my next day.

It might be the most freeing experience ever.

That accountability, that being able to SEE how much wiggle room I have, really helps me stay on track. And the planning is great, because I can make sure I get all of my nutrients in every day. Generally, when I plan, I plan low, giving myself about 300kCal for things that come up in the day. Cravings. It's not a lot, but it allows me a few bites here and there.

What else....

As far as detox is concerned, there haven't been any uber horrible side effects. However, I did just eat meat, so, that may be a skewed result :P

My mind is now rejecting meat. My body craves it after I have a bite...then it's really hard to stop. But If I don't have any, it's not bad. I'll post more later with my diary logs and such.

Detox Diaries, Day 2: Hunger Strikes

Today's Menu:

Breakfast: Miso soup and vegan black-bean enchiladas

Lunch: Vegetable Curry, Okra, Rice and Naan at a restaurant

Dinner: Miso, Bean patty, and perhaps a veggie burger

Treat: Fresh Berries, maybe some non-dairy ice cream.

My body has begun to realize it's not getting any animal products. Although it still feels great, it has begun to crave the heaviness of meat and dairy. This means that, while I'm not really hungry, my body just wants food. However, my brain doesn't feel deprived at all. By adding in berries and non-dairy ice cream (which I normally avoid), I feel like I'm being decadent!

However, it's the next couple days that are really going to be the tough ones. Hopefully, I'll make it through without headaches or anything!

Detox Diaries, Day 1

After several months of sticking to a strict, vegan diet, I went back to eating meat. Why? Laziness, for one. Temptation, for another. I live at home, and my mother always makes these AMAZING meat-filled meals. I began to feel that my problem was that I wasn't aware enough of what I was eating, and that maybe now with my nutritional knowledge I could balance a meat diet.

Wrong

Instead, I blew up like a balloon, both from actual weight and from bloating. I feel every sort of disgusting, and finally, it just wasn't worth it anymore. I had to go back.

Which, of course, means that I have to go through another detox. Even though I think gradual detoxes are great options, I'm so sick of animal products that I'm just going cold turkey.

Day 1

It's amazing how much better I feel already. I don't feel sluggish or weighed down, and I have less of a craving to binge tonight, though this could just be the day. I'm also focusing on getting more sleep, and sleeping at the right times (night). Since I have early class, this should help.

My mother found me some bean burgers, which are great because I hate preparing beans. I mean, it takes like a day. I don't have that kind of time!! But beans are a great part of a balanced vegan diet, so I'm hoping this will allow me to add them in (although I do wish it wasn't processed).

My Menu:

Breakfast: 2 quaker oat cakes (the early morning was rough, I ate on the go)

Lunch: 2 bean patties with spinach, peanut, and veggie stir-fry over whole brown-rice noodles.

Dinner: Miso soup plus something else...haven't decided.

So, so far so good. We'll see how I feel when day 3 hits...

I will not blame the scale...I will not blame the scale...

I ought to change this blog to "confessions of a fat-girl failure". Nah, I kid. But I have been doing rotten on my diet.

First, the positives:
I've been working out and gaining distance in running
I bought a kettleball, and have been weight-training daily
I feel better, stronger, and am definitely more toned
My clothes fit better

But there is one negative:
I binge.

Late night binges are sabotaging my whole diet. I am doing GREAT otherwise, but my 1,000 calorie binges late at night are preventing the scale from moving one bit. Yet, I've made a breakthrough(I think): I have food issues. Serious ones.

My mom's family is beautiful. Skinny, gorgeous, perfect. And I'm not saying I'm ugly...I've got some cute in me! But my dad's family are OBESE. I mean, we're talking 250-300lbs. And I've got their metabolism. Ever since I can remember, my mom has been afraid that I would end up like that. So she HARPED on me about food. If I put one chip in my mouth, I'd hear "You're going to be 500lbs by the time you're 20 if you eat like that!". So, guess what, I stopped eating around people. Which lead to staying up late to binge.

I don't blame my mom. I know that she really just didn't want me to end up like my dad's sisters. And you know what? She's RIGHT. I DO need to watch what I eat because I do have my dad's metabolism. But I'm also scared of food. I think it's the enemy. I feel guilty when I eat.

So I need to work through this. I need to find the line. Green beans are not the enemy, chips are the enemy. And you know what, a guilty pleasure is OK every now and again.

I've gotta get this. And once I do, I'll be on my way!

Because facts are Satan's sex toys.

I read a lot of Fundie blogs. Why? At first, I was interested in a way of life that was so very different than my own. I wanted to understand and explore why people lived a lifestyle that I would never choose. To be fair, I have learned quite a bit. My relationships have improved, and I have a lot more perspective on life. But lately, it's become like some sort of train wreck that I just can't look away from. Maybe it's because I understand things better now, maybe it's because the awe has worn off, but whatever it is, I find myself more and more put off from the lifestyle in general.

Now there's tons of things I could harp on...the obvious theological errors of the "dresses only" position (and I am all but dresses only simply by taste, so I don't hate), the hypocrisy, the sheep-mentality, anything and everything to do with individuals with the chromosomal signature XX, and the list goes on. Maybe I'll get to all of these one day. Maybe I'll put on my shrinking Candy shoes and do a series, but today I will stick to one topic: random unsubstantiated claims.

To begin this discussion, I have to make a confession: I am an education SNOB. I've been gifted all my life, and I value a good, quality education in myself and others. I also have a lot of RESPECT for people who dedicate a prodigious amount of time to exploring a topic. So it really bothers me when people make random claims and try to pass them off as fact.

"I think children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for" to back up why she disciplines her 7 month old baby for throwing toys and/or rolling off a rug. Oh, so you think your kid can understand that so it's OK, huh? Yeah, news flash sweetheart, I study early childhood cognition and development and let me tell you, I know that your child cannot understand that and that your discipline is both confusing to the child and damaging to what your child's brain is trying to grasp. Rules aren't able to be comprehended until much later, because not only is there not enough cognitive development, but there is also a lack of linguistic development (rules necessitate abstraction, abstraction necessitates language). But you think that, so it's OK.

You know what I do when I don't know something? Or maybe when I have a question, or am wondering whether or not my child can understand something? I educate myself. I get a book. I find out. I don't randomly make shit up and then run with it. And why is this so common amongst the movement? It's almost as if their afraid to really find out why things are the way they are.

On the other hand, it might just be really fun. Like maybe to today I THINK I am a size 6. So I totally am. Everything that tells me otherwise is just lying. Also, I think gravity is a lie.

So excuse me whilst I go for a quick flight.

Taking it to the Streets， Specifically Nostalgia Ave

In pursuit of my goal to run a 5k, I knew I had to start running outside again. The weather has been beautiful here, so I went down to my grandparents' house (which I care for while they're at house #2), calculated a route via a map, and went for it.

Well, the turn I had planned on was in the middle of a hill, and I wanted to finish the hill. And got lost. So, in addition to being massacred by hills today, I also added an extra mile to my route. My body's holding up surprisingly well. Ha, we'll see if I say that tomorrow.

My friends are all graduating this weekend, and I've been creeping on their photos of senior week via facebook. I've never regretted transferring. Academically, it's been a dream come true for me. But I sacrificed a wonderful social life to do so. And as I watch my friends say goodbye, I really realize what I gave up. I shared a journey with these people for so long, so it's weird not finishing it with them.

So I'm drowning my sorrows in Anime.

It's been ages since I turned on some real, Japanese Anime. But...the discovery that one of the shows that once got me into anime is online has resulted in an absolute time drain. It's also trippy to hear Japanese again. Funny, because I still remember most grammar principles, but have lost vocabulary. So I get negation, "let's ______", politeness, etc, but nothing else. It's also trippy to watch from a Chinese perspective. I can now HEAR the borrowed words in a way I never put together before.

It makes me want to study Japanese again. Maybe AFTER I complete the class that my instructor says "is not advised for people with jobs, a full class load, or any other significant time commitments". Bite me, Chinese 411. 给我咬法。

Sometimes...

I think back to China.

The weather has been crazy around here lately. One minute sun, 2 seconds later ferocious hail.

Nanjing was like that. But then again, Nanjing is known to be like that.

One day I left for school with only a light jacket. It was warm in the morning. I made my 2 mile walk there(by the way I chose to walk. I could have bussed.), but halfway through my walk home, it started to pour.

And I mean pour. It can (literally) monsoon in Nanjing. Within 2 minutes I am soaked. Soaked with filthy China water, since the air has picked up all the pollutants. And I still had a mile to go.

Then this little old man, someone I had never met before, offers me his spare umbrella. And we walk most of the mile to my house, until we parted ways at the last intersection.

And I wonder, who in America would do that? Would you, if you saw a little lost foreigner stuck in the rain? Silly little foreigner, who didn't know that you ALWAYS bring your umbrella in Nanjing.

I don't know that man's name. But I will never forget him.

Goals:

~Run a 5K in under my best High School time (27 mins) by July

~Drop to 30% body fat by July

~Drop to 20% body fat by September 30th

~Get in to high level 4th Year Chinese

~Graduate by June 2011

Right now:

I can run .5 of a mile

I am at 38% Body Fat

I am on the border of Honors 4th Year

I am on track to graduate as long as I do not drop any classes.

原来每个女孩不简单！！

考试考完了！！ 啊， 那让我很高兴， 很轻松！ 今天上课考完了以后，我们听了中文的歌。 当然我的“老朋友” 《《（对面的女孩）看过来》》是我们听的歌。 所以下课以后我回家为了下裁那个歌。

可是。。。我在星期一有另外的大考试跟一篇文章。 不要！ 不要！

Life

Hahaha, as if I have one these days. My days have been eaten up by my studies, and truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love throwing myself into learning, and I like my classes this quarter. Chinese is coming along nicely, and I'm pretty happy with my progress.

As for other things, I ended it with my last boyfriend, known here as Space Cat. It wasn't working, and I didn't have the time or energy to make it work. I'm upset, but I know I made the right decision. School is my number one right now, and theoretically, I have the rest of my life to spend with "The One". I never regret relationships, because I think that it is truly a gift to be able to get to know someone on that level. Also, opening myself up to others (I'm normally a very closed person) helps me to learn more about myself. I know that personally, I benefit from every boyfriend I have. And they all have a special place in my heart. I'm not looking for anyone new. Right now I want to take some time for me and my life. Plus, I think the best people come into your life when you just let God bring them in as He will!

I'm in a good place right now, though I could be better...Midterms are on Monday!

Body Harmony???

One of the things I've learned is how to listen to my body. And some days, my body wants really weird things. Or doesn't want normal things.

Today, I wasn't hungry. At all. And all my body wanted was to work out. So that's what I did.

Weird. Very weird.

Recipe!

Couscous Marinara (serves 1)
1/3 cup dried couscous
1/2+ cup marinara (to taste)
1 tsp Crushed Red Pepper (optional)
2 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar

Cook couscous according to your preferred method (3/4 cup boiling water and dash olive oil, boil water, stir in couscous, cover and remove from heat, let sit 5 minutes)

Add red pepper to marinara, heat until simmering.

After both have been cooked, mix couscous and marinara. Add balsamic and stir.

Alter the recipe to your personal tastes.

Yummy!

The Trouble with Detox

My first detox was fairly painless. I struggled with low blood sugar, but I really didn't have any other problems. However, for the combined 3 weeks of my birthday (TRY having a vegan b-day dinner with my meat-loving family), finals week, and a trip to visit my friends in L.A. (I'm a vegan, not a jerk, when people are providing my room and board, I don't turn up my noise at the food they provide). But once I came home, I cut everything out and returned to my vegan ways.

Kinda.

The first 3 days of detox, I had a migraine. For 3 days. All. Three. Days. Finally, I had to break and do a gradual detox. For the first couple days, I had dairy and meat at one meal. Then I moved to traces of dairy and traces of meat. Now, I'm back to veganism. And it was smooth. No low blood sugar. No headaches. No low energy.

I know a lot of vegans advocate for a sudden, complete detox, but personally, I much preferred my second detox to my first. Really, I think it should be up to the person. Gradual is probably smoother and easier, but if you don't have the will power to really go through with it, sudden detox might be for you.

As for life, it's going quite well...for me. I'm exercising, feeling great. Planning a nice hike tomorrow with friends. But my boyfriend, Space Cat, just lost his job. Naturally, he's bummed. And...I'm less sympathetic than I should be. We both work low-pay, service industry jobs. However, while I'll keep this job until I graduate college, he's....got no plans to leave. And he's OLDER than me!

While it's very noble to not care about finances, I DO care. Because I CARE about being comfortable. I want children. And I CARE about what I want to be financially able to expose them to. I have a lot of ambition, and I wish he had the same. I also have a lot of standards.

As they say, failure to plan is planning to fail. And he...doesn't really have any plans. Or a degree. So do we have a future?

Maybe you can tell, I refer to people by their nicknames here.

Blessed Good Friday everyone!

...with no tomatoes.

I live my life without tomatoes. Why? Because I hate them. Always have, and while I was close to tolerating them in China, I probably always will. I don't like them fresh. I don't like them dried. I'm not a big fan of them stewed or in sauces.

I also live my life without dairy. I'm dairy intolerant. I struggle with this, because I LOVE dairy. But it's like eating dirt for my body. Delicious, delicious dirt.

I live my life without meat. Once upon a time, I made a commitment: that I would never eat that which I could not kill and prepare myself. Could I kill a cow if I had nothing else? Sure. But I DO have other things, so I'll spare a cow-life. Plus I feel better on veggies...and I don't know how to cook meat.

I have two best friends, the loves of my life: Ginger and Boo. Both of them look like models. No, seriously. Ginger is a natural red-head, cheer captain, sorority president, size-two/four, Vegas native. Boo is a size four/six blonde bombshell, theater major, aspiring actress. And then there's me. Big.

I used to belong with them. I used to LOOK like I was one of them. But since taking a trip to live in China and moving north from LA, I no longer do. And that's what this blog is about, eating well, loving myself, and losing the 30-50 pounds that separate me from my innner- (true-) skinny self.

So I've decided to put my emotions here instead of eating them. And even though I'm just beginning on my vegan journey, I am a pretty good vegan cook. So I'd love to share recipes, workouts, anything that will help me to get back to where I belong.

So here's to veggies, here's to health, and here's to loving your body--every single pound of it.